Sometimes Redemption is Violent

There’s a difference in ‘trying’ to write and just writing. I think I’ll just let it free flow and forget any rules my mind wants to try to add. I’ve been up since 3am. It is what it is;)

This week has been hard. I knew it was coming.. and I prepped the best I could. The Long Term Team from Guatemala (my team) is here around the office this week. Many have come and gone from the team since my time- but there are a core few still present.

I knew it was highly likely I’d run into them and I just wanted to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I don’t love them or care about them.. very much the contrary. I miss them terribly. They are like family. And since leaving Guat a year ago I feel- in many ways- ripped from family. When I left I really didn’t get to explain to any of them what was going on or my reasons.. it all just happened so fast. 

The grief and homesickness are still so real. I still dream about our house and our dog and our wonderful back yard:) Oh that back yard! I still see visions from the Lord about His heartbeat over that country and many times I find myself just quietly praying for His will to be done there and His love to be so tangible to the people. I close my eyes and see the dark night sky over Antigua faintly lit by the cities soft glow and I see shooting stars raining down over that city like His promises just flowing down like rain. Man He loves the people of Guatemala and has SO much in store for them. 

But oh the grief. My season there was so messy…so confusing. I know that the Lord brought me back to the States and I know why in a lot of areas- but I still don’t understand. It’s just merky. Will I get to go back? What’s the timeline? Why am I in America re-learning everything?

Anyway- cue this week. Here they are:) This rag tag group of spectaculars that has walked through more that you could imagine together. I’ve seen them in passing a little in the office and then today happened. 

A car crash. 

Four people. Three from the Guat team (one that was at the Base when I was there), and then another very dear friend of mine. Now, I’m no stranger to car crashes nor am I a stranger to the Emergency Room here in Gainesville. I know to go into somewhat of emotional triage mode. 

‘Access’ the situation: how serious are the injuries? Is anything life threatening? 

‘Plan’ the next move: what people/places/things need to happen next? Do certain people need to be notified? Does anyone (not in the wreck- but friends/family etc) need anything? Do we need to find insurance cards or ID’s etc?

‘Execute’ whatever the logical next steps are. 

Emotions can wait. You can come back to those. In the midst of it all they only get in the way. Stay present and alert.. and then when it’s calmed down you can allow the emotions to flood and do whatever they need to do.

Anyway- so a couple of us get to the hospital and are awaiting on the ambulances to arrive with our friends as we try to piece together the little tid-bits of information that we have so far to develop the story line.

Ambulance one arrives and a couple of our group got to head back to see the first two- the Kelly(i)’s. 

As I remained in the waiting room- still calm and ‘triaging’ I couldn’t help but feel deeply concerned for my friends. Not just for those in the wreck but for the rest of their team.. their family- who likely were very worried. 

Then they arrived. Gabe (laughing and re-telling the story of it all- seemingly unscathed- which I was glad to see), Kelsey, Michelle, and Katie. (and a whole bunch of our other staff members/friends etc). Gabe updated everyone on how the girls were doing (again..through calm laughter- which helped to ease everyone a little).  

I felt relieved and so glad to see that they are were ok and so very well supported. It’s so odd… It was like being in the room with family that you don’t really belong to/with anymore but you still feel all the love and care you ever felt for them. It felt more like watching through the window than being in the room. 

As I stood there quietly talking to the Lord about it all I asked Him if I needed to be there. With a sweet and soft ‘no’ I went on my way. I left knowing that they- all of them- couldn’t be in better hands. So much love and so much support. They were all gonna be just fine. And the Lord invited me back out into His presence to process and grieve. 

It was SO hard to see them because of all the grief it stirred up…so many things unresolved…so many deep questions. But my heart was so happy to have seen them. They are spectacular. They are worth fighting for and they are on the front lines of a beautiful story unfolding in the country of Guatemala. 

Last night was a night of fragmented questions stumbling out between breaths of ugly sobs (ha! ugly crying.. so good for the soul!). But I love that God leaves no stone unturned. He uses anything and everything (if we let Him… and sometimes even when we don’t;)- to bring about more healing and more freedom. He truly is the best comforter and counselor in the world.  

So amen Jesus. Thank you for wasting nothing. Thank you for redeeming even that which seems tragic to produce something beautiful. 

**please continue to pray for the team as they adjust to these injuries (as a team and as individuals)…three of them (sorry to be candid… just not sure they want their life story on my blog;) should recover from minor injuries in the next couple weeks. The fourth has a bit of a harder and longer recovery ahead of her. These are missionaries and friends. Pray that the Lord would provide in every way necessary- and that His beautiful redemption would continue to unfold.