(photograph take from yeahiloveit.com)
I am a runner.
My favorite part of the day is when I get to step out of the stresses, the to-do lists, the relationships and out onto the pavement. Just me and Jesus and hopefully the sunshine. I love the soft noise of my feet as they impact the ground. The rhythm that they create sets the pace for my soul to expand and breathe. I love that there are no rules. I can run in any direction that I choose even leaving the path if I want. In this space I am free to think and feel and be whatever I need to be. Running is vital to my health in every capacity and I love it.
Lately though my running has been tainted by another kind of running. The kind that most of us, if we're honest, are far better at than we'd like to admit.
This kind of running is driven mainly by fear. Fear that maybe the Lord, though He most definitely is God, isn't who He says that He is. Fear because I don't trust Him to carry me through what He is asking me to walk through. My heart seems to say, "Lord, what if you don't show up? What if you don't sustain me? I won't make it Lord. I just can’t take that risk."
Can you see how much peace exists in the first running description compared to this one?
I have been running for a long time. In fact I've gotten pretty dang good at it. I run to anything I can: busyness, people, to-do lists, food and drink, the absence of food and drink, literal running or exercise, being needed/wanted by others. You name it, and I've probably used it as a running mechanism.
But God has been asking me lately to stop running. To just stop and trust Him. Of course you can guess what my response has been to that: yep, more running.
I am literally terrified that the things that He is wanting me to deal with and walk through will be too much for me. They seem too big. I've figured out how to live with some limitations and I'm ok with that. I can get a lot done in life at 70%. But the Lord has a better plan in mind for me. He, as the great physician, wants to address and heal the wounds and crap that I've carried for so long. His desire for me is to be closer to the 100% that He has created me to live and operate in.
So I've decided.. no let me re-phrase.. He, through His great grace and patience and gentleness, has brought me to a place of deciding to surrender. A place of saying, "Ok God, I trust you. I am scared and I have no idea what this process will entail. But I am yours. I choose to trust you. I choose to allow you in. Help me oh Lord to lay down my running. Do with me what you will."
Today has been characterized by much pain as the Lord pulls out of me some big things that I've held on to for years. But surprisingly it has been coupled with great joy and peace. I'm hurting and I feel emptiness but He is near and I praise Him for that. It is so good to be His!
Pray for me that I would be free and obedient to "pour out my heart like water before the presence of the Lord." I want to be open-handed to Him. Whatever He wants of me. I want to say yes. Pray that He would be so near and tangible to me. Pray that I would truly learn the truth in 2 Corinthians 12. That “His power is made perfect in my weakness. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” I believe that this season in my life is much bigger than me. I know that He uses all things for the good of those who love Him and for
His glory. I can't wait to see how this will all unfold as He forms more of Himself in me.
Our God is so good. He is patient and gentle. He is the lover of our souls. We can trust our hearts to Him because He is big enough to hold us. He is big enough to restore and heal and mend our brokenness. His plan for us according to Jeremiah 29 is to prosper us and not to harm us; to give us a hope and a future; to use us greatly for His kingdom.
So I am resolving to get rid of my running shoes. Join me?
Let’s see what the Lord could do in and through us!
