Why the Radio Silence…

So… It's been a minute:)

First, let me just apologize for my almost three month hiatus from writing. Life has changed pretty dramatically and I've been trying to find my footing. 

I left Guatemala. Surprise! If we're Facebook friends you've probably noticed just a few pictures that don't quite look like Central America. Right. I'm back in the States- several of them in fact. Recently I've made it down to Florida for debrief/re-entry counseling, Texas (first time!) to visit a dear friend, and Hopkins Michigan- my new home away from home. 

(Lake Michigan. photo creds: Staci Ainsworth: www.abrandnewending.com)

Why am I home?

I know right? Crazy. That wasn't the plan. I returned to Guatemala in May planning to be there for the next year or two only to find myself suddenly and unexpectedly boarding a plane home in September. 

For the 2-3 months leading up to my abrupt departure from Guatemala I was miserable and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't feel like me.

Have you ever had that happen? Where you just didn't feel like yourself? Not just for an afternoon or dinner party but for a significant season? 

I couldn't figure out why. I tried to fight for some emotional distance- for the sake of processing and allowing the Lord to help me sift through what I was feeling and sensing but I just never could make that happen. My behavior externally, driven by strong emotion, was harsh and defensive and just not me.. and I couldn't get past it. 

My last month was spent before the Lord asking Him to break the places in me that must be causing such a breach in trust and unity. The strangest thing happened… rather than the Lord breaking the "things" in me He actually strengthened me by continually telling me: 

"Robin, you are created in my image and I live in you. Your voice and what you have to bring to the table matters. Sure you have some places that still need some healing but they don't define you. I began the good work in you and I will bring it to completion- in my timing and in my ways."

As I tried to stand in this truth it seemed that unity was more and more disrupted. My prayer became, "Lord, you either have to break whatever "rebellion" is happening in me or I need to go." A house divided can't stand. If I'm not on the same page and I'm the only one- logic says, it must be me. 

So I left. 

Hardest thing I've ever done. My heart still feels broken and torn in half. I made the decision in my heart to say yes to the Lord in moving to Guatemala for a significant season. I went through the process of unlearning my culture so that I could adopt theirs. Nothing felt right in leaving but yet the Lord seemed to be cheering me on like a Father on the sidelines. I feel like I ended an engagement. The shattered dream of a life spent together ended because of the smallest glimpse of something unhealthy but significant enough to pull the plug. 

Lacking closure and lacking good-byes my departure flight was less than two days after my conversation with my boss. Though necessary, It was a tearing. I still dream about Guatemala. Mostly good dreams:) I see my contacts and local friends, I see my house and my dog and my team mates. I see the volcanoes and the cobblestone streets and the colors of the buildings which seem to change ever six months.  I miss my kitchen. I miss the vegetables and fruits and barbacoa chips (SO good). I miss my dog. And I miss my team. 

I miss it. I want to be there. But the Lord has not been silent. Before I even left the country He gave me a list of His priorities for this next season. He, as a loving Father does, re-assured me that He does in fact have a great plan for me. He said, "Daughter. In some areas I will shake off the dust quickly. In other areas healing will take some time. Trust me. Let me lead you forward. This is only the beginning."

(Sunrise hike. Lake Atitlan, Guatemala)

Now.

So, my dreams aren't done. I do get a since the Lord will lead me once again into the international arena. But first we have some things to walk out here in the States. Healing, deepening, strengthening, equipping, and releasing. My plan is simple. It's to keep giving Him my yes. To look not to my own understanding but to trust in His plan as a good Father. 

I have some decisions to make regarding where in the States He might want me to walk this season out. Please pray with me for clarity and peace. 

Oh Lord. Lead me onwards.