My iCal Breeds Intimacy

Or does it?

I love order. I love when things are organized and clean and in their place. It brings a strange amount of rest to me to know that I can build time off into my daily life. 

In that last season I had in the States, I loved knowing that most days just after work I had at least an hour free in my schedule to go for a run. There, in that space, I had no one fighting for my attention or adding their opinions or needs to my already taxed mind, heart, and schedule.

I loved that if I got up earlier than the rest of my roommates I could enjoy the tranquility of the morning to sit with the Father and hear His morning whispers. I could hear, with undivided attention, the melody of creation around me. 

I find myself now in this season longing for those spaces. Longing for the sweet, quite, uninterrupted moments with the Lord. 

But He isn't allowing me to have that space now.  

Believe me, I try hard to figure out how to fight for that space. To fight for that unfiltered communion with Him. Why would He take that away?

Isn't there something healthy and good about that space? Isn't it a good thing to long deeply for time alone with Him and to fight for that within the mix of the daily schedule? Isn't it a good thing to take all the chaos that bounces around within me to His feet for Him to speak to and bring clarity? Isn't it good for emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health to fight for what you need regarding space to decompress etc?  

He assures me, "Absolutely. That space is so rich and important to fight for. It is healthy, and it is one of my favorite times to spend with you. But…"

But what!? Where is it? I long for it. I miss you.

"Daughter, I want to teach you to walk in deep communion with me no matter where you are or who is around you. I am always with you. I am always ready to speak into the things that fight for your attention and time. I am your constant companion. I am so eager to take you into deeper places with me."

If I only long for and look for Him in the quite places I will never know how truly tangible He is in the noise around me. The cyclical pattern of stress and anxiety in the midst of activity, and rest in the inactivity will continue. It will always leave me exhausted by the to-do list I love, and only re-energized by the alone time I can manage to fight for. 

He is wanting to teach me rest in the doing. To incline my ear to Him in such a way that as I walk through my daily task list I am constantly hearing what plow He wants me to put my hands to and what things I don't need to worry about. 

It's a weird tension. But it's a game changer.